Although the media has been predicting the demise of vampire fandom for years now, the fascination continues. And what's not to love? Who wouldn't want a sexy, mysterious man/woman who nibbles on your neck and could help you live forever?
But as I wrote in an earlier post—Vampires are for fun, NOT marriage. So if you are expecting to marry your sparkling knight-in-shining-armor and have your child romantically gnawed out of your belly like a certain celebrity vampire couple we know, then think again.
Here are a few of the realities of marrying your fanged flame:
1. Kiss Your Beauty Sleep Goodbye – You'd better change that circadian rhythm to an up all night, sleep all day. Sounds like fun if you are a young, party-goer. But think about it 20 or 30 years from now. Cleaning house at 4 am when all your friends are asleep. Missing out on cultural locations, lunches, and other social day-time only events. God forbid you do have children. Then you'll be up during the day to deal with school events and only see your husband for a few hours before bed. Except when you're up—a freaked out insomniac, wondering who's neck he's nibbling. Which leads us to…
2. Vampire Fidelity – So let's get real here. How's he gonna feed? Have you got enough blood to give up daily? Probably not. Face it, he's going to need to hunt. Hunt who? Well, which would you be more comfortable: him sucking on men or wrapping his luscious lips around another woman's neck?
3. Choosing The Lifestyle – So congratulations! You've decided to sprout fangs. As mentioned in an earlier post, invest in flannel. But beyond that, you now need to feed. So who does your vampire hubby allow you to munch on? Is he really okay with you spending time with other men? Odd's are that he'll soon be bringing you a woman to snack on (or share). Are you willing swing?
4. Constant Moving – Just when you get the house decorated, here comes a nasty group of townsfolk with pitchforks and fire. Or worse, a hunter. Get ready for a life that is constantly on the move… and leaving behind most of your new wardrobe.
5. Vampire Needs – In my last post, we covered the popsicle and the lack of circulation problem. Think that gets any better when you've gone vampire? How's he going to get any blood into that thing if all he has is his bloodless wife to suck. If he has a choice of between the (now) anemic you, and luscious blood-filled babe? What do you think? He may whine after that it didn't mean anything, but you'll know where you are in the pecking order. Worse, you'll have to put up with it just to get a little action. (Just think of the other woman as priming his pump)
So before you say "I do," make sure you've thought it through.
Next time: Going Vampire—Baby Vampire's First Year!