Vampires have been the rage for more than decade and I luv me some good vampire.  But I'm in it for the short-term thrill ride.  So when I think about how my fellow females have been getting all romance-crazed over a sexy vampire, it makes me shudder.  Seriously, ladies let's think about the long-term relationship issues.  Vampires do not make good husband material.  So if you are looking for a ring from your vampire man, then here are some things you ought to consider.

Things we love about vampires:

  1. They are usually stunningly handsome and/or sexy.
  2. They might turn you into a vampire and then you'd be young and beautiful forever.
  3. If you choose to stay human you'd have your days free to enjoy whatever you want.
  4. They often have superpowers such as flying, super-speed or strength.
  5. Rumor has it that they are great in the sack.

All perfectly good reasons to just have some fun.  Date but don't get serious.  They are vampires for heaven sakes.  All they want is one thing — your blood.


So let's take a look at the Vampire Relationship Realities:

  1. Stunningly handsome?  Vampire attractiveness is as fake as Pamela Anderson's breasts.  Just wait until your first argument, when he suddenly sprouts horns and demon eyes.  You'll wonder how you ever kissed that face.  Plus, unless they've fed, vampires have the pasty-white skin of a geek who hasn't seen daylight since World of Warcraft was first released.  Finally, and most importantly, they are dead… so don't tell me there's no odor issue.  Dusty or musty? That is just nasty.
  2. Turn you vamp?  If you decide to join your man in being a vamp, then remember you will be young, beautiful and DEAD forever.  Honestly, I'm already cold most of the time.  Dead would require a constant supply of sweatpants, flannel robes and slippers.  Wire my coffin with a heating pad while you're at it.
  3. Days free!  This one I approve.  If you stay human, your daytime hours are free from man drama.  That is a valid reason to date the undead — especially if he's built up a nice 200-year nest egg for you to spend.
  4. Super-speed?  Huh. I think I've already dated that guy (nicknamed the 10-second man).  Flying would be cool, but where do you put the luggage?  Super-strength would be great if you could get them to help out around the house.  But what self-respecting vampire vacuums?
  5. Supposed to be great in bed?  Hellllooooo!  Dead guy.  No heart beat.  No circulation.  How's anything working down below?  Hmmm? …think about it.  Plus, even if he manages to fire the thing up, let me remind you again that he's dead — as in icy in a way that makes the speculum at the gyno seem not so bad.  Popsicle anyone?  Make mine cherry.


Bottom-line, have your fun with the vampires, but for serious relationships I'd stick with the living.  Warm-blooded men do it better.  

Plus, when you get old and wrinkly as God intended — he will too.  

9 thoughts on “Why Vampires Make Bad Husbands

  1. I support your view wholeheartedly.

  2. Great post, Tamela! Never thought about the circulation issues.. yikes! I guess I'll tell that vampire that's been hovering around to go away now.

  3. Dean K Miller

    And i was just thinking of having one take the plung and convert me. But then again, I'd rather have tan lines now than live forever!  However, I can't let my wife see this. Even with the negative aspects I'd still come out second best!
    What an enjoyable read!

  4. Loved this! Makes that werewolf guy that much more attractive to me.
    Glad to have met you @ #wineparty! 

  5. Vampires with an odor issue lol…..  You made many valid points why they make bad husbands.  One positive point is they can help you live forever!  But what kind of life is it living without feeling the sun?  Not a wonderful life at all.  I will stick with the living as well.

  6. Loved the arguments, … oh, reasons. I may use some of them when someone asks me why I don't care much for vampires as characters. 

  7. All good reasons, but I still love my vampires. lol

  8. "Dead would require a constant supply of sweatpants, flannel robes and slippers." Is there a rule that says the dead can't dress comfy? ;)

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